I think most people were shocked and saddened to head of the passing of Robin Williams earlier this week, and I was no different. Tributes have abounded all over the internet and television. For good reason, he touched a lot of lives with his comedy and movie roles. To be honest, I enjoyed his work as a dramatic actor much more than the stream-of-consciousness comedy routines that strayed all over the map. Perhaps it was because I couldn't keep up and felt winded after watching him.
What hit people the hardest was how he died. Depression. Suicide. Wow. How could someone who was world famous and universally beloved do this to himself? I certainly can't answer that but to say that I'm not necessarily surprised. With a long history of substance abuse and depression, maybe he just didn't want to fight it any longer.
Robin Williams' struggle has brought a lot of attention to the disease over the last few days, which ultimately I think is a good thing. According to the CDC, one in ten adults in the United States have reported depression of varying degrees. I happen to fall within that 10%. I was not diagnosed until my 20's but I'm pretty sure I've had the symptoms my entire life. After all, I had to go visit with the school counselor as far back as middle-school.
It was my ex-wife Tracy that finally made me go to the doctor, and she was determined to go sit in there with me to make sure he knew all the things that were going on. I will always be indebted to her for that. Anyway, since that time I have tried every single antidepressant on the market. Some have worked better than others, while some have had terrifyingly negative effects (afraid of my own shadow, suicidal thoughts). I have also tried going without and the consequences of that were not good at all, to say the least. I have also had plenty of therapy over the years, psychologists, psychiatrists and even Emotions Anonymous. Yes, that's a thing.
What is it like living with depression on a daily basis? First, let me say that there are good periods and bad. The good periods can last for a few weeks or even months where things are going fairly well and I can cope. Then there are other stretches that are dark and seemingly never end. They often begin with some sort of life challenge, doesn't really matter if it's big or small. It's akin to jogging down a path and stumbling over a rock; sometimes it takes a very long time to get up and get moving again. The feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness crowd out any other thoughts. The tension becomes so elevated that it feels like my body is tingling with electricity. I can't see straight. Outwardly, it may not be noticeable, but the demons flying through my body and brain are relentless. "You're a burden to your family and friends. You've never accomplished anything. You're not good enough or smart enough to get that new job. You couldn't make a good decision if your life depended on it." Et cetera.
The result of this typhoon of feelings and emotions is extreme lethargy. I cannot get out of bed in the morning and I want to go to sleep again right after work to escape. It's easier not to do anything than to try and do something and fail. Ultimately, I wonder why am I here? What purpose do I serve? I want and desperately need relief.
Luckily for me, I have a good support system in place. My girlfriend Lauren Hines is an extremely understanding soul. When I'm down and going through rough patches, she doesn't push it. She let's me be until the storm cloud passes and then asks if I want to talk about it. My parents don't really understand even though they want to, and my kids are great. Very supportive. Their smiles and accomplishments are a wonderful pick-me-up.
I know I am not alone in this battle. There are many, many others who simply prefer to keep it to themselves. I've never been very good at keeping things to myself, so thank you to those of you that read this for letting me get it off my chest. I really appreciate it.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
The Job Hunt
Looking for a new job is never fun, and in this day and age it is downright painful.
America is in the midst of an economic recovery, I think. After all, according to the BLS there were 175,000 new jobs created in the month of February. Also, the stock market is making new all-time highs on a daily basis. Everyone is fat and happy, right? We are living in the golden age of prosperity!
Um, no. I don't think that is quite accurate. I am not trying to make a political statement in any way, but it's tough out there. In case you didn't know, I am a stockbroker. At least that's what I tell everyone. It's easier than saying I'm an institutional fixed-income broker who also does commodities. For those that don't know, fixed-income means bonds. I work on straight commissions and have done so since 1995.
Ever since the collapse of Lehman Brothers and the financial carnage that ensued starting back in 2008, my business has gotten smaller and smaller each year. After every single financial crisis, the same thing happens: more regulation. I don't have a problem with regulation, because I don't believe I run a business that flouts the rules. However, for clients it means more scrutiny of every counter-party (me) they use. It means they have to construct bullet-proof paper trails for every trade they do, and it means not being able to direct business to a broker they like or get useful information from. In the end, it means fewer trades for me and smaller commission on those.
I was never big time. Not sure I ever really wanted to be. But, I made a good living and was able to take care of my family and even take a vacation now and then. That was then. Now, I can barely eke out enough to pay my child support and alimony, let alone have much left over for myself. While it is true that I'm complaining right now, I realize that I am much better off than many, and for that I am grateful.
I have come to the realization that I need to find something new, that I can't make a living doing this anymore. But, I'm 44 years old! What the hell am I going to do? I want to go in another direction, but what? I don't think I can stay afloat doing crossword puzzles and playing trivia games. I certainly don't think I'm going to make the PGA Tour anytime in the next millennium.
So, that brings me to the job hunt. Like dating and so many other things, the process of finding a new job or career has changed so much over the last decade. In the online dating world, at least they get to kick the tires before they decide they're not interested. But, the job hunt is a nameless, faceless abyss. You get an account on Monster or Careerbuilder (or both), you fill out your profile and upload resume and hope for the best.
I would love to be looking for my dream job, but right now I'm just looking for something that I'm qualified for and can pay the bills. The process works like this. You find a position that seems remotely interesting and click "apply". And instead of the company using the profile and resume you had already meticulously created, you get to join ABC Co.'s talent network! Yay!!!!! That means you have to enter all of that information over again, and since every big company has a "talent network" now, you have to repeat the process for each and every application.
Only then does the fun really begin. I like to call it "the wait". You get the email that says you have successfully applied for Jr. Fixed-Income Analyst at ABC Co., and you better the hell not contact us again. We will contact you! (If we're interested, which we probably aren't and so we're just going to leave you hanging until you have exactly zero self-esteem left.) Signed, Anonymous HR Department.
I bet those HR people really get a big kick out of the whole thing. You just know they're sitting at the bar of some swanky restaurant after work, tipping back an appletini and cackling with delight. Oh sure, that schmuck Jeff Hettinger thinks he's qualified to work for us?! Ha! Well, we're just going to wait about 3 months before we send him the form rejection email. That'll teach 'em.
So, here I sit at my desk, during the work day, writing a blog post about my struggle to find a new job. It's really more than that though. I used to have an identity. I was suburban father of three who loved to work on his yard. Ever since my divorce, I feel like I've lost my identity. I want to have one again, something to strive for. A goal.
I would be lying if I didn't say I'm feeling dejected about this whole process. I feel like I'm in the prime earning years of my life right now and that I have so much to offer an employer. It's also very hard not to take it personally. I've never had the best self image and it's all I can do to try and stay positive.
The hunt continues...
America is in the midst of an economic recovery, I think. After all, according to the BLS there were 175,000 new jobs created in the month of February. Also, the stock market is making new all-time highs on a daily basis. Everyone is fat and happy, right? We are living in the golden age of prosperity!
Um, no. I don't think that is quite accurate. I am not trying to make a political statement in any way, but it's tough out there. In case you didn't know, I am a stockbroker. At least that's what I tell everyone. It's easier than saying I'm an institutional fixed-income broker who also does commodities. For those that don't know, fixed-income means bonds. I work on straight commissions and have done so since 1995.
Ever since the collapse of Lehman Brothers and the financial carnage that ensued starting back in 2008, my business has gotten smaller and smaller each year. After every single financial crisis, the same thing happens: more regulation. I don't have a problem with regulation, because I don't believe I run a business that flouts the rules. However, for clients it means more scrutiny of every counter-party (me) they use. It means they have to construct bullet-proof paper trails for every trade they do, and it means not being able to direct business to a broker they like or get useful information from. In the end, it means fewer trades for me and smaller commission on those.
I was never big time. Not sure I ever really wanted to be. But, I made a good living and was able to take care of my family and even take a vacation now and then. That was then. Now, I can barely eke out enough to pay my child support and alimony, let alone have much left over for myself. While it is true that I'm complaining right now, I realize that I am much better off than many, and for that I am grateful.
I have come to the realization that I need to find something new, that I can't make a living doing this anymore. But, I'm 44 years old! What the hell am I going to do? I want to go in another direction, but what? I don't think I can stay afloat doing crossword puzzles and playing trivia games. I certainly don't think I'm going to make the PGA Tour anytime in the next millennium.
So, that brings me to the job hunt. Like dating and so many other things, the process of finding a new job or career has changed so much over the last decade. In the online dating world, at least they get to kick the tires before they decide they're not interested. But, the job hunt is a nameless, faceless abyss. You get an account on Monster or Careerbuilder (or both), you fill out your profile and upload resume and hope for the best.
I would love to be looking for my dream job, but right now I'm just looking for something that I'm qualified for and can pay the bills. The process works like this. You find a position that seems remotely interesting and click "apply". And instead of the company using the profile and resume you had already meticulously created, you get to join ABC Co.'s talent network! Yay!!!!! That means you have to enter all of that information over again, and since every big company has a "talent network" now, you have to repeat the process for each and every application.
Only then does the fun really begin. I like to call it "the wait". You get the email that says you have successfully applied for Jr. Fixed-Income Analyst at ABC Co., and you better the hell not contact us again. We will contact you! (If we're interested, which we probably aren't and so we're just going to leave you hanging until you have exactly zero self-esteem left.) Signed, Anonymous HR Department.
I bet those HR people really get a big kick out of the whole thing. You just know they're sitting at the bar of some swanky restaurant after work, tipping back an appletini and cackling with delight. Oh sure, that schmuck Jeff Hettinger thinks he's qualified to work for us?! Ha! Well, we're just going to wait about 3 months before we send him the form rejection email. That'll teach 'em.
So, here I sit at my desk, during the work day, writing a blog post about my struggle to find a new job. It's really more than that though. I used to have an identity. I was suburban father of three who loved to work on his yard. Ever since my divorce, I feel like I've lost my identity. I want to have one again, something to strive for. A goal.
I would be lying if I didn't say I'm feeling dejected about this whole process. I feel like I'm in the prime earning years of my life right now and that I have so much to offer an employer. It's also very hard not to take it personally. I've never had the best self image and it's all I can do to try and stay positive.
The hunt continues...
Thursday, January 30, 2014
My Experience in the Blizzard of 2014
I had seen the forecasts for days ahead of time. The Deep South was going to be hit on Tuesday with a rare snow storm that could drop as much as 5 inches of snow from Louisiana to the Carolinas. Locally, the focus was much more on the areas south of Atlanta. In fact, TV meteorologists were saying that Atlanta proper and the northern suburbs would maybe get an inch of snow, if we were lucky.
So, I went to work as normal on Tuesday, as did everyone else. I was a little bit surprised that area schools had not been shuttered for the day. After all, they had been closed on previous occasions for a lot less, including two weeks ago for extremely cold temperatures. I could understand that because you don't want children who may be improperly dressed standing out at the bus stop at 7:30 in the morning with temps in the single digits. On this occasion, it seemed reasonable to me that schools stay open as the forecast didn't really call for any accumulation until late in the afternoon and only a dusting at that.
I was at my desk when the flakes started to fall around noon. The office I work in with my father has a great view of a wooded wetlands area out in back of the building. There was a herd of maybe a dozen deer frolicking (and some humping) out there in the weather. They were enjoying it and the view was like a picture postcard (except the humping). We don't get snow events here very often, so most people take it as an opportunity to spend fun time with kids and have a mini winter vacation. After all, surely school would be closed on Wednesday and the kids would pull out the sleds, or boxes, or whatever they could find, and have a great time. Or so I thought.
My first inclination of trouble was when my dad tried giving me a ride home around 2:30. We could barely get out of the subdivision. There were cars blocking the intersection on North Point Parkway and it didn't really register with me then. We only made it another quarter mile before I realized I was going to have to get out and walk. I had expected that the freeways would be jammed because that's what always happens when people are trying to leave work early for a holiday or a long weekend. But the surface streets? Never seen anything like it.
I took it as an opportunity to embrace the weather. It wasn't that cold and my mom's apartment was nearby, so I went there and put on my warmest winter duds. I pulled out a ski-jacket that had a lift ticket still attached to it from Heavenly in 2004. The walk was only a mile from there and I took my time, waving and talking to motorists who were inching along the roadway. It was fun.
It wasn't until I got back to my girlfriend Lauren's house in Willow Springs that I began to understand the scope of the mess. We turned on the local news and they were showing pictures of massive gridlock everywhere in the metro area. I started to see Facebook messages from friends who had been stuck on the road for hours. Little did I know that some of these folks wouldn't get home for another 20 hours! As the night wore on, many just started abandoning their cars and walking home. They were so frustrated that they didn't care how many miles it took. The residents of the state of Georgia have never gotten so much exercise!
Around 9:30 PM, Lauren and I decided to venture out to Haynes Bridge Road to see what was going on. We had a hard time doing even that because the sheet of ice on her street was a half inch thick. When we got out to the intersection it was chaos. There were abandoned cars littering the sides of the road. There was an accident involving a Fedex truck and stranded school buses. Lots of people were walking. Many with briefcases and many with cases of beer. Area residents were directing traffic as there wasn't a policeman to be found. The word surreal is used way too often today, but the scene was just that. We skidded home on the ice, poured a glass of wine and watched disaster movies for the rest of the night.
Yesterday, we all had time to reflect on what had transpired on Tuesday. As the last people were being rescued from their cars and the last children were finally being picked up from school, or buses and fire stations. The local and national media were blasting the Atlanta city government and the State of Georgia. We were viewed as a national joke and the epitome of "wussiness".
There is no question that we could and should have been more prepared. However, as the blame game continues, I wonder how much more could have been done. The forecasts were not terribly accurate and the school systems acted on the information they had. And the fact is, we live in the South. Should we really invest a lot of money in more salt trucks and plows for something that only occurs every few years? It doesn't make sense to me. This was really a perfect storm of bad timing and bad luck. If anything, it showed how we work together as human beings to help each other out. Heck, Lauren's son Wes used his truck to tow 8 people he didn't know before finally rescuing his girlfriend and getting home at 2 AM.
We can all learn from this, but we should be applauding ourselves and our resolve.
So, I went to work as normal on Tuesday, as did everyone else. I was a little bit surprised that area schools had not been shuttered for the day. After all, they had been closed on previous occasions for a lot less, including two weeks ago for extremely cold temperatures. I could understand that because you don't want children who may be improperly dressed standing out at the bus stop at 7:30 in the morning with temps in the single digits. On this occasion, it seemed reasonable to me that schools stay open as the forecast didn't really call for any accumulation until late in the afternoon and only a dusting at that.
I was at my desk when the flakes started to fall around noon. The office I work in with my father has a great view of a wooded wetlands area out in back of the building. There was a herd of maybe a dozen deer frolicking (and some humping) out there in the weather. They were enjoying it and the view was like a picture postcard (except the humping). We don't get snow events here very often, so most people take it as an opportunity to spend fun time with kids and have a mini winter vacation. After all, surely school would be closed on Wednesday and the kids would pull out the sleds, or boxes, or whatever they could find, and have a great time. Or so I thought.
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| The view from my office today |
My first inclination of trouble was when my dad tried giving me a ride home around 2:30. We could barely get out of the subdivision. There were cars blocking the intersection on North Point Parkway and it didn't really register with me then. We only made it another quarter mile before I realized I was going to have to get out and walk. I had expected that the freeways would be jammed because that's what always happens when people are trying to leave work early for a holiday or a long weekend. But the surface streets? Never seen anything like it.
I took it as an opportunity to embrace the weather. It wasn't that cold and my mom's apartment was nearby, so I went there and put on my warmest winter duds. I pulled out a ski-jacket that had a lift ticket still attached to it from Heavenly in 2004. The walk was only a mile from there and I took my time, waving and talking to motorists who were inching along the roadway. It was fun.
It wasn't until I got back to my girlfriend Lauren's house in Willow Springs that I began to understand the scope of the mess. We turned on the local news and they were showing pictures of massive gridlock everywhere in the metro area. I started to see Facebook messages from friends who had been stuck on the road for hours. Little did I know that some of these folks wouldn't get home for another 20 hours! As the night wore on, many just started abandoning their cars and walking home. They were so frustrated that they didn't care how many miles it took. The residents of the state of Georgia have never gotten so much exercise!
Around 9:30 PM, Lauren and I decided to venture out to Haynes Bridge Road to see what was going on. We had a hard time doing even that because the sheet of ice on her street was a half inch thick. When we got out to the intersection it was chaos. There were abandoned cars littering the sides of the road. There was an accident involving a Fedex truck and stranded school buses. Lots of people were walking. Many with briefcases and many with cases of beer. Area residents were directing traffic as there wasn't a policeman to be found. The word surreal is used way too often today, but the scene was just that. We skidded home on the ice, poured a glass of wine and watched disaster movies for the rest of the night.
Yesterday, we all had time to reflect on what had transpired on Tuesday. As the last people were being rescued from their cars and the last children were finally being picked up from school, or buses and fire stations. The local and national media were blasting the Atlanta city government and the State of Georgia. We were viewed as a national joke and the epitome of "wussiness".
There is no question that we could and should have been more prepared. However, as the blame game continues, I wonder how much more could have been done. The forecasts were not terribly accurate and the school systems acted on the information they had. And the fact is, we live in the South. Should we really invest a lot of money in more salt trucks and plows for something that only occurs every few years? It doesn't make sense to me. This was really a perfect storm of bad timing and bad luck. If anything, it showed how we work together as human beings to help each other out. Heck, Lauren's son Wes used his truck to tow 8 people he didn't know before finally rescuing his girlfriend and getting home at 2 AM.
We can all learn from this, but we should be applauding ourselves and our resolve.
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