I think most people were shocked and saddened to head of the passing of Robin Williams earlier this week, and I was no different. Tributes have abounded all over the internet and television. For good reason, he touched a lot of lives with his comedy and movie roles. To be honest, I enjoyed his work as a dramatic actor much more than the stream-of-consciousness comedy routines that strayed all over the map. Perhaps it was because I couldn't keep up and felt winded after watching him.
What hit people the hardest was how he died. Depression. Suicide. Wow. How could someone who was world famous and universally beloved do this to himself? I certainly can't answer that but to say that I'm not necessarily surprised. With a long history of substance abuse and depression, maybe he just didn't want to fight it any longer.
Robin Williams' struggle has brought a lot of attention to the disease over the last few days, which ultimately I think is a good thing. According to the CDC, one in ten adults in the United States have reported depression of varying degrees. I happen to fall within that 10%. I was not diagnosed until my 20's but I'm pretty sure I've had the symptoms my entire life. After all, I had to go visit with the school counselor as far back as middle-school.
It was my ex-wife Tracy that finally made me go to the doctor, and she was determined to go sit in there with me to make sure he knew all the things that were going on. I will always be indebted to her for that. Anyway, since that time I have tried every single antidepressant on the market. Some have worked better than others, while some have had terrifyingly negative effects (afraid of my own shadow, suicidal thoughts). I have also tried going without and the consequences of that were not good at all, to say the least. I have also had plenty of therapy over the years, psychologists, psychiatrists and even Emotions Anonymous. Yes, that's a thing.
What is it like living with depression on a daily basis? First, let me say that there are good periods and bad. The good periods can last for a few weeks or even months where things are going fairly well and I can cope. Then there are other stretches that are dark and seemingly never end. They often begin with some sort of life challenge, doesn't really matter if it's big or small. It's akin to jogging down a path and stumbling over a rock; sometimes it takes a very long time to get up and get moving again. The feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness crowd out any other thoughts. The tension becomes so elevated that it feels like my body is tingling with electricity. I can't see straight. Outwardly, it may not be noticeable, but the demons flying through my body and brain are relentless. "You're a burden to your family and friends. You've never accomplished anything. You're not good enough or smart enough to get that new job. You couldn't make a good decision if your life depended on it." Et cetera.
The result of this typhoon of feelings and emotions is extreme lethargy. I cannot get out of bed in the morning and I want to go to sleep again right after work to escape. It's easier not to do anything than to try and do something and fail. Ultimately, I wonder why am I here? What purpose do I serve? I want and desperately need relief.
Luckily for me, I have a good support system in place. My girlfriend Lauren Hines is an extremely understanding soul. When I'm down and going through rough patches, she doesn't push it. She let's me be until the storm cloud passes and then asks if I want to talk about it. My parents don't really understand even though they want to, and my kids are great. Very supportive. Their smiles and accomplishments are a wonderful pick-me-up.
I know I am not alone in this battle. There are many, many others who simply prefer to keep it to themselves. I've never been very good at keeping things to myself, so thank you to those of you that read this for letting me get it off my chest. I really appreciate it.
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